Echoes

Loss

By Ryan Sheppard

Life has often felt like a series of painful lessons and losses. In this article, I want to share my journey of regret, healing, and hope. My story is deeply personal, but I believe it can resonate with anyone who has struggled with guilt, loss, or self-doubt.

I’ve hurt many people who were dear to me: my brother, who was my guardian angel, and my best friend, my only true companion, who is now lost to me forever. These relationships shaped my life, and their absence has left a profound void.

Sometimes, I feel trapped and helpless, as if some higher power is looking down, detached and smirking at my misery. I owe everything to these individuals—my beacons of hope, the very pillars of who I am. Yet, no words or wishes seem sufficient to repay the happiness and freedom they deserve.

My brother was my rock—the man who picked me up when I had hit the end, who fought his way through the depths of Hell to bring me back to the living. I wouldn’t be here today without him. So thank you.

Then there was my best friend, once a shining star in my life, who is no longer by my side. She was more than a friend; she was a part of me—a golden thread in the fabric of my life, the light at the end of my tunnel, the dream I never wanted to wake from. Losing her feels like losing a piece of myself.

I would trade everything to see them happy—to be the person they believed I could be and to live out the future I once envisioned with my friend. But at the heart of this struggle lies a truth I cannot escape: I am broken, disconnected. I see myself as the toxin, the virus, the source of disappointment. My introversion and isolation stem from the fact that I have hurt those around me. I have endured abuse, leaving scars—both visible and invisible—that made me wish to escape school faster than I entered.

Trust and friendship have become illusions for me, remnants of a former self lost in a spiral of tears and regret. Enveloped by shadows and fears, I strive to protect others from the darkness, guiding them into the light, even as I absorb their pain and sacrifice my own well-being.

I want to be the voice for those who have none, a spirit for the condemned. Yet, the more I reach out to help others, the more I feel myself slipping away, falling deeper into the abyss of my own making. If I could face the darkness once more with a smile, knowing that my actions have led to peace for my brother and friend, it would bring me solace.

Scars riddle my body, a melancholy of incisions, each one a reminder of torment, pain, and failure. These marks symbolise the weakness that seems to seep from every line drawn on my fragile flesh. But reflecting on these losses, I see how my brother’s unwavering support and my friend’s bright presence were pivotal to my life. Their impact has been a source of inspiration and a reminder of the person I strive to become. I recognise that my struggles with self-worth and isolation stem from my past actions and experiences.

If you are struggling with feelings of guilt or loss, remember that seeking help is a crucial step. Reach out to mental health professionals or support groups for guidance. Sharing your experiences can also be a powerful way to heal and connect with others.

If you ever find yourself afraid or in need of support, please do not hesitate to reach out to me here. I understand the depths of loneliness and pain, and I am here to offer a listening ear and a helping hand. In a world that might seem engulfed in flames, let us face the darkness together and seek solace in each other’s company. Together, we can find light in the midst of the shadows and draw strength and hope from one another.

"Sometimes the other side of the coin hides its true face!"

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